My Inner Strength- Reminding myself to Shine

So long time blog followers would have realized I haven't written much in awhile. That's because I started losing a bit of myself I think. It started by chipping away at my soul, bit by bit. You think you're on solid ground, and then your solid foundation is ripped from beneath your feat and you're left with a happy fucker laughing his ass off that you've fallen.


I work more than the average person does, and that certainly had something to do with this downward spiral. Everything has submerged into one huge breakdown. When I moved to Ohio in 2011, my mother kept my dog (Kota) because I couldn't stand the thought of rehoming her. My idea was to come here, get on my feet, and I'd eventually get her back. However 4 years here and still were not financially stable enough to afford a dog, and Kota's health declined due to her environment and no vet care.

I decided to put Kota into a rescue after seeing how bad she was getting and knowing I couldn't do anything about it. It took her 4 months to heal from staff infections. And I definitely blame myself. My friends and family would have me not do that, but there is no one else to blame. Sometimes  a spade is a spade. I've had dogs my entire life, and I've realized something. None of them lived a natural long life in my care. So I am admitting I'm just not a good pet parent, and deciding not to get another dog. That hurts my heart. Because right now with what I'm going through, the love of a pet could really help.

Last Friday was especially hard when I got the message that Kota was adopted. While it's good that she will now live out the rest of her life being taken cared for and loved, I'm sad that it's not with me.

My health has also declined in recent months. I started to get frequent headaches that come and go. I wear sunglasses more often than not, even on cloudy days and loud noises is my own personal torture chamber.

June 29th I had a mini brain bleed. Neurologist are unsure why it happened. There is likely an underlying reason that still needs to be found out through tests.

For now I'm on migraine medication that's helping. While waiting in line at the pharmacy, a little lightening bug decided to land right in front of my face. Now if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

Lighting bugs not very exciting as far as totems go, but they remind us that they have an inner strength that makes them shine. And that's what I've always had. No matter what, I've listened to my inner voice to help guide me.

 Throughout this year I've felt something was wrong, even when doctors were telling me it was nothing. Advocating for myself has been a big challenge. It's often hard for me to speak up for myself. I know that I have more challenges ahead. More decisions will need to be made. All I can do, is keep my inner shine. :)  

PBP: Light & Dark

Prompt: Light and Dark

How do you balance Light and Dark in your Path?

There's lots of angels to take with this, depending on what you choose to apply it to. Should be interesting to see what you have to share on this topic....

 

You know I find this to be a very good question, especially for Wiccans because I think we tend to focus more on the positive and less on the negative. Which IMO isn't particularly a bad thing, but it isn't balanced. I do try to bring in masculine energy in my rituals. I associate light with feminine energy (the Goddess) and dark with masculine energy (God). 

Right now I know my energy is in a dark place. Its not often I fall into depression, but my living situation and our lack of options has really brought me down lately. So I'm embracing it for now because these feelings are natural. I know eventually things will turn up and I'll be happy once again. But for now the dark calls to me. 

Lately Dragonflies have been on my mind. I don't know why, but while driving or just sitting here thinking I find myself drawn to them. I'm even thinking of redoing my blogs layout to include dragonflies. The meaning of dragonflies seem to depend on what part of the continent your on. But here is what I've found. 

Maturity and a Depth of character
The dragonfly, in almost every part of the world symbolizes change and change in the perspective of self realization; and the kind of change that has its source in mental and emotional maturity and the understanding of the deeper meaning of life.

The traditional association of Dragonflies with water also gives rise to this meaning to this amazing insect. The Dragonfly’s scurrying flight across water represents an act of going beyond what’s on the surface and looking into the deeper implications and aspects of life.

Source

Sticky Art Studio. Dragonfly Yin/Yang

Now that I read the symbology associated with the dragonfly I have no doubt that this lovely creature is a new totem for me. It may not be a lifelong totem, but its message of change and self realization call to me.

But I suppose I've gotten a little of topic. Darkness of mind is where I am at the moment. And I try to balance the light and dark by embracing both. All things in moderation right? I don't feel guilty if all I can do is sit on the couch and watch re-runs all day. I may need to go to the store but as long as their is food in the house it's not an emergency. One more day of eating leftovers is fine by me.