Thursday, July 30, 2015

My Inner Strength- Reminding myself to Shine

So long time blog followers would have realized I haven't written much in awhile. That's because I started losing a bit of myself I think. It started by chipping away at my soul, bit by bit. You think you're on solid ground, and then your solid foundation is ripped from beneath your feat and you're left with a happy fucker laughing his ass off that you've fallen.

I work more than the average person does, and that certainly had something to do with this downward spiral. Everything has submerged into one huge breakdown. When I moved to Ohio in 2011, my mother kept my dog (Kota) because I couldn't stand the thought of rehoming her. My idea was to come here, get on my feet, and I'd eventually get her back. However 4 years here and still were not financially stable enough to afford a dog, and Kota's health declined due to her environment and no vet care.

I decided to put Kota into a rescue after seeing how bad she was getting and knowing I couldn't do anything about it. It took her 4 months to heal from staff infections. And I definitely blame myself. My friends and family would have me not do that, but there is no one else to blame. Sometimes  a spade is a spade. I've had dogs my entire life, and I've realized something. None of them lived a natural long life in my care. So I am admitting I'm just not a good pet parent, and deciding not to get another dog. That hurts my heart. Because right now with what I'm going through, the love of a pet could really help.

Last Friday was especially hard when I got the message that Kota was adopted. While it's good that she will now live out the rest of her life being taken cared for and loved, I'm sad that it's not with me.

My health has also declined in recent months. I started to get frequent headaches that come and go. I wear sunglasses more often than not, even on cloudy days and loud noises is my own personal torture chamber.

June 29th I had a mini brain bleed. Neurologist are unsure why it happened. There is likely an underlying reason that still needs to be found out through tests.

For now I'm on migraine medication that's helping. While waiting in line at the pharmacy, a little lightening bug decided to land right in front of my face. Now if that isn't a sign I don't know what is.

Lighting bugs not very exciting as far as totems go, but they remind us that they have an inner strength that makes them shine. And that's what I've always had. No matter what, I've listened to my inner voice to help guide me.

 Throughout this year I've felt something was wrong, even when doctors were telling me it was nothing. Advocating for myself has been a big challenge. It's often hard for me to speak up for myself. I know that I have more challenges ahead. More decisions will need to be made. All I can do, is keep my inner shine. :)  


Your comments encourage me to keep writing! Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts with me.

Blessed Be,