Remembering our Angel Baby

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In January of 2000 I had the happy pleasure of announcing that I was pregnant with our first child. However in March when I went for my second prenatal appointment the doctors discovered that my baby had no heartbeat and had died several weeks beforehand. My husband and I were devastated. I refused to believe they were telling me the truth. After all I had just heard the heartbeat a month before. Everything was going so well. I wasn't really sick and had only mild pregnancy symptoms which I would later attribute to loosing the baby for many years. Though I later learned no symptoms of pregnancy is not an indication of miscarriage.

Anyway, I refused to believe my doctor. So instead of letting them do a D&C right away, I made an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion. It was a Friday so I had to wait all weekend before I could get the second opinion. I had such high hopes that weekend. I had convinced myself they had to be wrong.

That following Monday I experienced mild cramping as I was getting ready to leave, but being the stubborn scorpio woman that I am, I refused to believe my baby was dead. As we were driving to Lexington our car broke down. This was in Versailles, KY and the road we were on is treacherousness if you are on the side of the road. Some kind construction workers picked us up and took us to the gas station where we could make a phone call. By then the cramping became worse and I admitted to myself that we wouldn't need to get a second opinion. That horrible moment where I told my husband that I was having a miscarriage is forever etched into my memory.

Versailles KY Cash Advance. Where I had a Miscarriage

While my husband made the phone call for his father to pick us up, I walked around the corner to the closest business. It happened to be a Cash Advance. The old lady there was kind enough to allow me to use her bathroom. She could tell something was wrong but I didn't tell her what.  To this day I really hate to look at this picture. This is where my baby exited my body, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where a D&C was performed. I sat in shock, just hoping I was dreaming. Realistically there was no way to know if the baby would have been a boy or a girl. However to us, the baby would have been male, and named Seth Andrew.

As I sat in the hospital waiting to enter surgery, I meditated on why I was loosing the baby. Goddess let me know that the spirit attached to the baby wasn't ready to be born. But we were promised a year later we would have a baby. A year almost to the day, we learned we were expecting our daughter Sierra Belle. I'm at peace with loosing Seth. I know it was meant to be. But that doesn't make the pain of loss any less. He will always be apart of us.

Sierra 1 month old

This month on the 31st all witches and Wiccan's around the globe are celebrating Samhain, which is the 3rd harvest sabot and a time we honor our ancestors. All too often our babies are forgotten because they were with us such a short time when we honor our dead at Samhain. So this post is to remember that even if you never got to hold your little one, light a candle for your sweet babies. Now is the time to remember and honor them.

Blessings, Love, & Light

This post is in honor of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

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12. How do you celebrate Samhain/Halloween?

I separate Samhain and Halloween into separate parts. Halloween is just fun with my daughter. We like to dress up and go trick or treating or hand out candy. Usually Dh and I will take turns walking around with our daughter while one of us (Namely my husband) sits on the porch handing out candy. Where we use to live we didn't get too many TOTers so by 7pm he was normally indoors and we were "Stuck" with candy. Oh poor us. lol.

For Samhain we would meet up with The Circle of the Blue Moon for the day. We'd spend it participating in ritual or just hanging out talking about various Pagan topics. We made a lot of good friends that way and helped a few people along the way. Usually there is at least one or two people who need healing and the High Priestess would ask me to assist once in awhile.

Now that we are in Ohio I'm not sure what we are going to do. There isn't much money to buy candy or costumes. Though my daughter is determined to make her own costume if she has to. And I think she may have sweet talked my mother into sending her something. She's almost 10 yrs old now and I've tried to convince her to just hand out candy. After all that can be fun right? Nooo. Evidently not. She won't have it. I'm not even sure if there is TOTing in our area. I assume so since there are a lot of kids around here.

As for ritual, I have to ask Lynn from Innanas Spiritual Center if she'll be doing anything. If not, or if she is leaving town, I may just skip it this year. Or maybe I'll just bake a nice pie for Dh and enjoy his pleasure at eating something I made. Who knows. I'm a bit spontaneous and not making plans kinda gal!

Sierra Belle as Cleopatra

This is apart of 31 Days of Samhain

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1. What is a memorable experience during Samhain?

My most memorable experience during Samhain was about 11 years ago. At the time Dh and I had only been married for a few years and we didn't have children yet. Though I'd birth my oldest a year later. We joined up with The Circle of the Blue Moon, which is the coven of our friend High Priestess Linda Tipton. She also runs the metaphysical store called Moonstruck located in Louisville KY. The Samhain celebration wasn't really what was memorable. Though what was is that DH and I did a fertility rite that night and conceived a few months later.

All of us was in the primitive camping area in Shelbyville, KY. That year was very cold for late October in Kentucky. In hindsight, it wasn't smart to go camping with it that cold. There were several drum circles with huge bon fires. Everyone gathered around them and for the most part stayed warm. However as we got closer to the morning hours I tried to go to sleep in our tent. However the ground made our air bed feel like a block of ice even with two comforters.

Lance and I sat by the bon fire for awhile trying to stay warm, but eventually in the early morning hours we gave up the fight and left the campground in hopes of finding a hotel. It took awhile, but eventually we found one.
After returning from that weekend we were asked by co-workers what we had done that weekend. We told them and for years after we were teased about the crazy couple who camps in late October. Needless to say we didn't do that again! We did visit just for the day to celebrate. But no camping in late October for us again!

This post is part of my 31 Days of Samhain

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Prompt: Solitary Longing

Prompt: Solitary longing...

This week's prompt comes from reader suggestions, and I think it is something we should all think about....

If you are a Solitary, do you ever long for a mentor, coven or friend to learn with, learn from, or practice with? If so, what keeps you from seeking to join with others?

I am solitary but I do have mentors of a sort. First and foremost I have my very best friend in the whole wide world - my husband. He has taught me a lot not just about Wicca but magick in general. There are also others who have influenced me such as Linda Tipton who is the High Priestess of the Circle of the Blue Moon located in Louisville Kentucky. She also owns a pagan store called Moonstruck.  We would join her coven during sabbots from time to time. Or we would just hang out at her store for some Pagan fellowship.

Now that we have moved to Ohio we are looking for other pagans to join up with. I've found Innana's Spiritual Center. While its new, they do have an amazing womens group. The people coming for meetings is ever growing and we really enjoy getting together and chatting.

The reason I like to be solitary is because honestly I am anti-social. Both my husband and I have been hurt in our life by other people so we are not very trusting. We find socialization at a distance is better for us.

Picture of nature (Earth element).

 

Mammoth Cave, KY May 2008

What better way to honor the Earth element than a cave? In 2008 we visited Mammoth Cave in Kentucky.I was surprised how much water is still flowing in the cave. You can't see it well in the first picture, but in the second you can just see where the water is falling. Everything is very wet down there. I loved visiting this cave. Though if your out of shape like me, please remember your going to do a lot of walking up and down hills! I didn't have the best shoes for this trip and my feet suffered for it.

I was in awe of all the fauna around the entrance and just the lovely smell of spring. Its truly an experience I will not forget. If your in the area, take the time to visit. Its definitely worth it!  Inside there is a huge room with a circle pattern on the roof where water was once in the cave. I tried to get a picture but it was too dark in there. Its simply amazing though!

 

Entrance to the cave. Notice the water falling at the entrance.

Some other pictures from our trip.

Just down the road from Mammoth Cave is a dinosaur exhibit. We didn't get to see it, but I did snap this picture as we drove by. 

I just thought this church had a certain charm to it.

The dig site in the cave.

A pathway. Watch the jagged edge!

Sierra Belle really enjoyed the trip. :)

Mommy and daddy needed to take a break on the bench.

Looking for a breakthrough

This year has been nothing but road blocks and dead ends so far. Today we were going to go to Ohio. We applied for housing but need a background check. We wanted to avoid the approximate two weeks it would take to get them done by mail. (We can't use an online service, must come from KY State Police). We wired the money to my mother and she was going to have it done. However it seems you can't get a background check done without our signature. Which is weird since you can get a background check online as long as you have the persons info! See, road blocks. Ok fine, so we were going to go to KY and besides it gave us an excuse to let my mother see the baby. She's been dying to see Wyatt anyway.

Except our car needed to be tagged. We have another car we've been driving but we don't trust it to go all the way to KY. We do (Or did) trust the Lumina. So we tag it and come back home. But noticed the tail lights were not working again. That wasn't unusual. DH has been trying to figure out why they sometimes work and sometimes not. So he messes with it a bit and thinks he's fixed it. I go out to start it while he watches the back to see if they come on. Problem #2. The car doesn't start. WTF! So the trip was canceled and everyone was disappointed. I know there has to be a reason we have so much constraint in our life. I just wish we could hurry up and get our life together again. I know, patience is a virtue. But it wasn't a virtue I inherited. So I'm just a woman looking for a breakthrough!