In January of 2000 I had the happy pleasure of announcing that I was pregnant with our first child. However in March when I went for my second prenatal appointment the doctors discovered that my baby had no heartbeat and had died several weeks beforehand. My husband and I were devastated. I refused to believe they were telling me the truth. After all I had just heard the heartbeat a month before. Everything was going so well. I wasn't really sick and had only mild pregnancy symptoms which I would later attribute to loosing the baby for many years. Though I later learned no symptoms of pregnancy is not an indication of miscarriage.
Anyway, I refused to believe my doctor. So instead of letting them do a D&C right away, I made an appointment with another doctor for a second opinion. It was a Friday so I had to wait all weekend before I could get the second opinion. I had such high hopes that weekend. I had convinced myself they had to be wrong.
That following Monday I experienced mild cramping as I was getting ready to leave, but being the stubborn scorpio woman that I am, I refused to believe my baby was dead. As we were driving to Lexington our car broke down. This was in Versailles, KY and the road we were on is treacherousness if you are on the side of the road. Some kind construction workers picked us up and took us to the gas station where we could make a phone call. By then the cramping became worse and I admitted to myself that we wouldn't need to get a second opinion. That horrible moment where I told my husband that I was having a miscarriage is forever etched into my memory.
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| Versailles KY Cash Advance. Where I had a Miscarriage |
While my husband made the phone call for his father to pick us up, I walked around the corner to the closest business. It happened to be a Cash Advance. The old lady there was kind enough to allow me to use her bathroom. She could tell something was wrong but I didn't tell her what. To this day I really hate to look at this picture. This is where my baby exited my body, I was taken by ambulance to the hospital where a D&C was performed. I sat in shock, just hoping I was dreaming. Realistically there was no way to know if the baby would have been a boy or a girl. However to us, the baby would have been male, and named
Seth Andrew.
As I sat in the hospital waiting to enter surgery, I meditated on why I was loosing the baby. Goddess let me know that the spirit attached to the baby wasn't ready to be born. But we were promised a year later we would have a baby. A year almost to the day, we learned we were expecting our daughter Sierra Belle. I'm at peace with loosing Seth. I know it was meant to be. But that doesn't make the pain of loss any less. He will always be apart of us.
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| Sierra 1 month old |
This month on the 31st all witches and Wiccan's around the globe are celebrating Samhain, which is the 3rd harvest sabot and a time we honor our ancestors. All too often our babies are forgotten because they were with us such a short time when we honor our dead at Samhain. So this post is to remember that even if you never got to hold your little one, light a candle for your sweet babies. Now is the time to remember and honor them.
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| Blessings, Love, & Light |
