I suppose my fear started in the second grade. It was the thing to do to form groups on the playground. We did different things depending on what the leader of that group wanted to do.
One day I got tired of my groups leader and spoke with some of my friends. They wanted to leave the group too, so I had my friends "advertise" through word of mouth that I was forming a new group.
The next day we met under an oak tree. (This was before all playgrounds were made "safe" with plastics and rubber mats. Our playground was a big field with metal swings, teeter totters and other equipment that would probably strike fear in the modern mother). That day I was astounded by the number of people who met with us. There had to be 50+ kids under that tree. When they all looked to me for direction that is when I froze in fear. Now, kids are like a pack of wolves, if they sense weakness they take advantage of it! Which of course they did.
From then on every time I've tried to lead a group I let self-doubt and fear plague my mind. I'd always choose to be a follower in school groups. I knew I could be a leader and wanted to do it, but I just couldn't overcome that fear of being rejected and humiliated again.
So when it comes to Pagan groups, I've always been hesitate to take the lead. Even with just my family I allow my husband to take the lead. Only when I am solitary do I find freedom to do what I do best.
Do you ever deal with self-doubt and fear? In what ways do you overcome it?
